When your birth doesn't go as planned.

"well at least your baby is healthy"

Of course.

But what about how you pictured your birth? What about the terror you felt when you thought your baby's heart rate was dropping? What about how they made you feel? What about the pain? What about how weak you felt? What about not getting to hold your baby for hours? What about you?

That matters.

It matters to you, it matters to me.

Everyone is happy your baby is healthy. Or, what if he isn't? Your birth still happened and it matters.

You don't have to push down what you are feeling because your birth ended with a baby. You don't have to push down what you are feeling because you made it out alive.

My first birth started at home and after many many hours, I transferred to the hospital and got a c-section after more hours. I never wanted that. I felt like a failure. I felt weak. I felt like an idiot for thinking I could do it. I felt like I wasted my birth team's time.

My second birth was a home birth but I transferred post-birth to get stitches and fluids. And I was treated like an actual moron. They told me I put my and my baby's life at risk. They told me I was going to die. They told me they saved me. They had me picturing my family's life without me.

But my son and I are ok, so it doesn't matter.

No! It matters.

So what now? How do we heal?

First, I want to say I am sorry that happened to you. I know it was scary and felt out of control. Maybe looking back you think "if only". I know, I felt that too.

I had to do a lot of soul searching and forgive the people who I felt failed me. I talked about it a lot. My feelings were validated. I wrote everything in a book because I hoped it would help at least one mom feel like they were not alone.

I did all I could to forgive, assure myself I was ok. Then I tried not to stay there. I forgave myself thanked God for my babies and kept going.

That was not a one day process. It took a long, long time.

Some people need to journal, or even go to counseling. Birth trauma is REAL and it is ok if you are there. Know you are not alone, there is help, you matter.

I can say now I have forgiven myself. I know I didn't fail. Either birth. I know that my births matter. And I am so glad my kids are ok and I want to use those experiences to help people. It is ok if that is not where you are at. One step at a time.

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